A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... read more »
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."
"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?" read more »
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.
The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." read more »
There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. read more »
The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans:
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides. read more »
Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter. The king agrees to give them a chance, but they must perform three difficult tasks: defeat an ogre, turn lead to gold, and screw a cow. The first man dies fighting the ogre, the second fails at turning lead to gold, but the third man successfully completes all three tasks.
"Congratulations!" says the king. "You may now have my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Screw that," says the man. "I want the cow."
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, I still didn't undersftand you."
The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm."
These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he's dead for sure.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem"
The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry,
"Put dem in a "peeper bag"
The assistant does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place. Eh?" says Gerry. read more »
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck."
The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."