A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Bottom 50 Celebrity Sandwiches

1. The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted English muffin
2. The Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita
3. The Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce
4. The Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread
5. Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines
6. The Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce
7. The Dan Quayle: Mongoloid cutlet on potatoe bread
8. The Homeless Dude: Half a Chicken McNugget and a shoe full of Wendy's chili served between a Big Mac bun and a chicken bone
9. The Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel
10. The Martha Stewart: Rosemary-marinated boar's anus, charbroiled to perfection, on homemade nine-grain peasant waffles
11. The Barbara Walters: Sun-dried pheasant jerky and Revlon sauce on sourdough flatbread
12. The O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove
13. The Bette Midler: Wind beneath my roadkill wings, on a toasted saccharine challah
14. The Mullah Omar: Mayonnaise-based gravel salad served between two semi-decayed camel hooves
15. The Dan Rather: Sumptuous Geritol cutlets, slathered in tangy liberal mustard and wedged between two crusty slices of Alzheimer's baguette
16. The Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast
17. The Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake
18. The Sally Struthers: Bison tartare on a glazed donut
19. The Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread
20. The Charleton Heston: Venison burger on white bread with Moses sauce and side of buckshot
21. The Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns
22. The Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish
23. The George Hamilton: Seared Naugahyde on toasted pumpernickel with a cocoa butter coulis
24. The John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich
25. The Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust
26. The Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread
27. The Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast
28. The Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices
29. The Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns
30. John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun
31. The Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns
32. The Elizabeth Taylor: Open-faced mink filet on sponge cake, smothered in cubic zirconium béarnaise
33. The Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant
34. The Vanna White: Whipped toothpaste and vanilla-flavored lard, gently ensconced in a delicate crepe
35. The Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll
36. The Robert Downey, Jr.: Marinated psylocibin mushrooms and methadone cheese on Spoon-cooked flatbread
37. The Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell
38. The Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita
39. The Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills
40. The Alec Baldwin: Asshole ham, asshole cheese, asshole lettuce on an asshole piece of bread
41. The Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia
42. The Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes
43. The Frank Sinatra: Pureed martini olives on communion wafers, garnished with bloody Chicklets
44. The Jeff Bezos: A piece of moldy lettuce wrapped in a fancy advertisement for a delicious, juicy corn beef sandwich
45. The Wolfgang Puck: Sliced Spam and Velveeta, smothered with Miracle Whip and nestled between two freshly toasted Berry-Berry Pop-Tarts
46. The George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla
47. The George Clooney: Beaver on rye
48. The Kate Moss: Cottage cheese and ipecac syrup on rice paper
49. The Bea Arthur: Potted meat and mint jelly on Matzo bread
50. The J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs)

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