Men & Women jokes

What's the diffrence between a bar of chocolate and a vibrator?
One's good for you the other is just for show

a girl ate a picale that was in her family for 50 years then she accdetially drank picale juice

my wife slipped stepping out of the shower did the splits and screamed out, i came running in but could'nt get her up her fanny was suchioned to the floor, i rang my handyman mate who said "i'll get a hammer and chisel and be over in 5 mins" i said "what the f****" he said "i got to crack the tiles to break the seal" i said "ok,i'm gonna lick her ear and play with her boobs while i'm waiting" he s  read more »

Do you want to here a good joke? Women's rights.

what do you call the artist with the brown fingers.
a: pic-ass-o

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly "Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle."
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says snootily "Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle."
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying "Broccoli, 25p a pound."

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "and if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria," says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."  read more »

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.  read more »

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.  read more »