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Entertainment Jokes

Elvis vs. Jesus

* JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
* JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
* JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
* JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
* JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
* JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
* JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.  read more »

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What's the difference between Al Gore and Elvis?

What's the difference between Al Gore and Elvis?

Some say Elvis is still alive.

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In All the Land

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were sitting at a table talking.

Hercules says, "I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

Snow White says "I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet."

Quasie says "I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table.

Hercules says, "It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so."

Snow White says, "It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so."  read more »

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Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

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Mickey and Minnie have been having problems...

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now and after hearing of Barbie and Ken's break up, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's fucking goofy"

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When Mozart passed away...

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."  read more »

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Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery?

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery?

In the end, everybody did it!

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?" The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?" Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto thinks someone stole tento."

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Why was Oprah stopped at the airport?

Q: Why was Oprah stopped at the airport?

A: She was getting arrested for carrying 300lbs of crack in her pants.

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What did the hobbit say to the elf?

Q: What did the hobbit say to the elf?

A: You better come and hide in the Shire before the geeks create a movie so they can spend late nights sitting around watching hours of video in costumes with hair on their feet in hopes of creating a safe haven of some kid named Oliver’s basement from the cold and lonely world, which only seems to shun them for the modest layer of tape around their glasses.

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