Entertainment Jokes

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"  read more »

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off her cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.  read more »

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.  read more »

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,"Wasn''t me!".

Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says," Wasn''t me!".

Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says," Stronger than yesterday."

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  read more »

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...

1. Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2. A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3. Name the Capital of France?
"F"

4. Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5. Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6. Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital

7. What is Hitler's first name
Heil  read more »

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.  read more »

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I ' m schizophrenic

And so am I

Q: How can you tell when Barbie has her period?

A: Your tic tacs are missing.

Scribbled across a toilette wall:
To be is to do - Jean Paul Sartre
To do is to be - Karl Marx
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra