Bar Room Jokes

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."  read more »

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"  read more »

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"  read more »

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."  read more »

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"

The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay."

Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"

Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"  read more »

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.  read more »

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."  read more »

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man "What are you staring at?"

"Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot.
I was wondering if you were my son."

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"  read more »