Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A: Because he was pissed off!

Q: What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
A: An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!

A bear walks into a bar and says "I want a bourbon and....a coke", the bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?"
The bear say "I’ve had them all my life."

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken's foot

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle names

Q: Why does a dog lick himself?

A: Because he can't make a fist.

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

A: Lots of room.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but no one knows how they got in there.

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.

One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"

The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.

The woman stops and says,
"Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?"

The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try.

The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.  read more »