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Animal Jokes

Why does a dog lick himself?

Q: Why does a dog lick himself?

A: Because he can't make a fist.

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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

A: Lots of room.

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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but no one knows how they got in there.

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A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole...

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.

One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"

The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

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A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert.

A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.

The woman stops and says,
"Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?"

The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try.

The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.  read more »

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What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog...

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

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Why don't elephants use cellular phones?

Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?

A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.

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A zebra went up to the zookeeper...

A zebra went up to the zookeeper and said, "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes." The zookeeper looks at the zebra with a puzzling look and says, "I don't know why don't you go ask God." The zebra then went to ask God who said "You are what you are, young zebra." So the zebra went back to the zookeper who asks the zebra what God had said.  read more »

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What's bright eyed and bushy tailed?

Q: What's bright eyed and bushy tailed?

A: A squirrel on crack.

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