Animal Jokes

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."  read more »

One day in the back woods of West Hollywood, a giant bear was chasing little rabbit.
"Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.
"Never!" shouted the rabbit.
Well as the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.
The genie said to the bear,"Hey! If you stop chasing him I'll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"
The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!"  read more »

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.  read more »

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

"Some things you just can't explain."

"Try me."  read more »

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.  read more »

Q: Why did God give women more brain cells than cows?

A: So that women don't shit themselves when you play with their tits.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.

When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.  read more »