A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Animal Jokes

Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter...

Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter. The king agrees to give them a chance, but they must perform three difficult tasks: defeat an ogre, turn lead to gold, and screw a cow. The first man dies fighting the ogre, the second fails at turning lead to gold, but the third man successfully completes all three tasks.
"Congratulations!" says the king. "You may now have my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Screw that," says the man. "I want the cow."

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Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long...

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't undersftand you."

The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm."

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These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted.

These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he's dead for sure.

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem"

The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry,
"Put dem in a "peeper bag"

The assistant does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place. Eh?" says Gerry.  read more »

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A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat...

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck."
The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."

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A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile...

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan answers this question: "To steal a job from a decent , hard-working American."

Dr. Seuss answers this question: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why? It's not been told."

Grandpa answers this question: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."

And Colonel Sanders answers this question: "I missed one?"

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One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
When in the woods he came upon a bear!
The man started running.
And he ran for a while until all of a sudden he
tripped over a tree root.
And at this moment he was almost face to face
with the bear.
Then he said "Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to
make this bear a christian."
And at that instant.....
The bear halted to a stop and droped on his knees and said
"Dear Lord thank you for the food I am about
to receive"!!

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The sky was dark...

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."  read more »

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