Funny Jokes

Early retirement

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"
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Army Wisdom

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're not ready for them.
b. When you're ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
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13 Sick Soldiers...

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
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Standing In Line

"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die, just so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
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The Interview

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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