A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Super Bowl Tradgedy

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

Preparing for skiing

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

The Incredible Golf Ball

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"Use this one - You can't lose it!"

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.

If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

I Said the F Word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

Council and housing association complaints

The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

Yo' Mamma is so ugly

Yo' Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said 'All My Children'

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

Chilly

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

Mommas So Fat

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

You've been programming too long when...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.  read more »

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None

blonde shower

How does a blonde guy take a shower?
He pees against the wind.

0
No votes yet
Your rating: None