A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor...

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.

The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price.

For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.  read more »

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Why won ' t sharks attack lawyers ? ?

Professional courtesy.

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What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them, but you never see them.

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Applied mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband  read more »

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Haunted from the grave

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.  read more »

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.  read more »

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On the high seas!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

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The General's Temperature

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."  read more »

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Kiss per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

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New Miranda rights

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.  read more »

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