A D V E R T I S E M E N T

The fully fledged alaskan

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say's "First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her."
The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.
He comes back a week later beaten to shit.  read more »

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Hard of Hearing Genie

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"  read more »

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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her...

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

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Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?

He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

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American Management

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.  read more »

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The eastern lady...

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "Whats the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I dont believe I want to ride."

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THE DAILY SHOW HEADLINES

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS

As the Democratic Party hones its campaign strategy for next year's election, it might look to Austin, Texas, where Democrats are facing off against Republicans using a strategy experts have dubbed "running like hell."

Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of Representatives bolted for the Oklahoma state line to prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to favor the Republican House Majority.  read more »

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On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: "It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?"
-- Vanna White, "Wheel of Fortune" co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: "I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross."
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: "God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful."
-- Donna Summer, disco singer  read more »

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Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

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What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

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